About those trials....

I feel like if I don't write some thoughts down, I just might combust. Several people have popped into my life lately. One is a dear friend who has MS. She always answers my how are you question with, "I'm happy, how are you?" And she's being honest. The girl is totally at peace amidst her disease and 4 children. Another man's physical pain has made him feel like ending his life at this point. He just wants to be done because he doesn't know how to go on. But he's just having a moment, and will pull through because he is naturally strong. I know another someone who has lost the ability to work to support his young family because of his back pain. He's desperate for a solution. I feel like writing a book about chronic pain and the hope that you can beat it, but I can't write a book about something that I have not yet conquered for good. And i'd never really do that anyway. But I CAN blog about it. Stephanie Nielson (NieNie) is my absolute hero. Read about her and you'll understand. She embraces her trial, instead of shunning it. She doesn't blame herself for it. She doesn't minimize the difficulty of it, but doesn't whine about it either. She is past the phase of getting desperately upset and needing others to constantly re-assure her that she is doing a good job and that it will be okay. She has woven the good and the bad into one, big, whole experience that is her life.  nieniedialogues.blogspot.com 

What if, just what if, we could embrace our big, fat, ugly trials (until they go away) and let them become part of what makes our life good? No more guilt, no more emotional upheaval. Just an acceptance that it has come into our life for a reason, and then peace, faith, and more faith. In fact, so much faith that all will be well, that it spreads to those who love you the most. Then they cope with the trial better as a ripple effect. What a concept. Great in theory, nearly insurmountable, but possible. Definitely possible. 

So here's what I've got going for myself in one of my realities.
Reality #1: I feel strong. My mind and my heart are happy. I look around me every day, full of gratitude for our circumstances. We are without tragedy in our family circle. Brad has a wonderful job. We have a home and plenty of food and all the resources to meet our needs. We live in a beautiful town with amazing weather every day. I get to gaze out at mountains and blue sky that are totally waiting to be enjoyed. My children are smart, strong, healthy, and thriving. In fact, I have a beautiful new babe that has been much anticipated. Our family is happy. Our parents and siblings are all doing well. I live in America, the land of abundance for crying out loud! That alone comes with a shmorgashborg of benefits. I smile as I enjoy all of these blessings along with all of our modern-day conveniences. AND, AND, we have so much truth just floating all around us from knowing the gospel. All those truths bring so much fulfillment and meaning and purpose to the daily rat race. Again, I smile at all of this. MOST OF ALL, I am completely astounded at the angels around me. God is so present in our lives. He sends people to me all the time to bail me out. His help has been so prevalent that I am finally recognizing it for what it is. His goodness keeps on going without cease.

Reality #2: My poor family. My poor husband. Is he ever getting the short end of the stick. None of them are getting enough attention because I am completely exhausted and warn down from my "problem". Having my sweet baby has re-injured my body. I knew it could happen, I was just convinced that it wouldn't because I DID NOT have the courage to face it again. I got pretty much over it once, and that's all I could handle. But here I am. I'm going to the chiropractor and a structural therapist rolfer guy(a.k.a the guy who pushes me to my physical breaking point) each twice a week. I am getting prolotherapy which is the magic potion that will cure me. I got 18 shots yesterday and screamed like a small child. The experience was truly traumatizing, but I know the payoff, so I will keep going. I am constantly giving myself pep-talks to get me through the day. My level of pain determines everything I do in a day and how I do it. If I try to be tough, I inevitably pay the consequences. I conjure up these great ideas in my oh-so idealistic mind for what can or should get done, and it rarely happens because it becomes a physical impossiblity as the day wears on. My baby needs me to be my A game almost as much as Logan does. But guess what happens almost every day. This is the REAL KICKER for me. I get help from other people constantly. Ask anyone who lives around me down here, and they'll report that for some reason, Andrea just really needs an extra hand. I get SO upset and embarrassed that I have to STILL ask for so much help, after  the years of doing it before. Really, can I not just get it done myself? I feel like I have such a never-ending list of debts to pay. It's overwhelming. And you know what? I am sick of doing this. I'm so over feeling like just in case someone doesn't understand, i'd better explain myself each time so that it doesn't seem so weird that i'm asking for help again.
I have learned how do deal with chronic pain. I have learned how not to let it break me. It's been proven that i'll be healed from it. I am learning so much about attitude and perspective. I can see a lot of reasons why I need this trial to shape me. But I can not get past the guilt and the shame. Am I sure that i'm not doing something to bring this on myself? What am I doing wrong? Why am I putting my family through this? AND HOW AM I GOING TO STOP BRINGING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN SO THAT I CAN SURVIVE?

What a trip- to live in two different worlds that somehow have to co-exist. Kind of exciting to figure it out. Kind of exhausting to remind ourselves that our trials are going to weave themselves together into one big whole that becomes the story of how we become the people we hope to someday be. For now, i'm just tired of it all. I just want it to magically go away. And I wish us all luck....!!