About those trials....

I feel like if I don't write some thoughts down, I just might combust. Several people have popped into my life lately. One is a dear friend who has MS. She always answers my how are you question with, "I'm happy, how are you?" And she's being honest. The girl is totally at peace amidst her disease and 4 children. Another man's physical pain has made him feel like ending his life at this point. He just wants to be done because he doesn't know how to go on. But he's just having a moment, and will pull through because he is naturally strong. I know another someone who has lost the ability to work to support his young family because of his back pain. He's desperate for a solution. I feel like writing a book about chronic pain and the hope that you can beat it, but I can't write a book about something that I have not yet conquered for good. And i'd never really do that anyway. But I CAN blog about it. Stephanie Nielson (NieNie) is my absolute hero. Read about her and you'll understand. She embraces her trial, instead of shunning it. She doesn't blame herself for it. She doesn't minimize the difficulty of it, but doesn't whine about it either. She is past the phase of getting desperately upset and needing others to constantly re-assure her that she is doing a good job and that it will be okay. She has woven the good and the bad into one, big, whole experience that is her life.  nieniedialogues.blogspot.com 

What if, just what if, we could embrace our big, fat, ugly trials (until they go away) and let them become part of what makes our life good? No more guilt, no more emotional upheaval. Just an acceptance that it has come into our life for a reason, and then peace, faith, and more faith. In fact, so much faith that all will be well, that it spreads to those who love you the most. Then they cope with the trial better as a ripple effect. What a concept. Great in theory, nearly insurmountable, but possible. Definitely possible. 

So here's what I've got going for myself in one of my realities.
Reality #1: I feel strong. My mind and my heart are happy. I look around me every day, full of gratitude for our circumstances. We are without tragedy in our family circle. Brad has a wonderful job. We have a home and plenty of food and all the resources to meet our needs. We live in a beautiful town with amazing weather every day. I get to gaze out at mountains and blue sky that are totally waiting to be enjoyed. My children are smart, strong, healthy, and thriving. In fact, I have a beautiful new babe that has been much anticipated. Our family is happy. Our parents and siblings are all doing well. I live in America, the land of abundance for crying out loud! That alone comes with a shmorgashborg of benefits. I smile as I enjoy all of these blessings along with all of our modern-day conveniences. AND, AND, we have so much truth just floating all around us from knowing the gospel. All those truths bring so much fulfillment and meaning and purpose to the daily rat race. Again, I smile at all of this. MOST OF ALL, I am completely astounded at the angels around me. God is so present in our lives. He sends people to me all the time to bail me out. His help has been so prevalent that I am finally recognizing it for what it is. His goodness keeps on going without cease.

Reality #2: My poor family. My poor husband. Is he ever getting the short end of the stick. None of them are getting enough attention because I am completely exhausted and warn down from my "problem". Having my sweet baby has re-injured my body. I knew it could happen, I was just convinced that it wouldn't because I DID NOT have the courage to face it again. I got pretty much over it once, and that's all I could handle. But here I am. I'm going to the chiropractor and a structural therapist rolfer guy(a.k.a the guy who pushes me to my physical breaking point) each twice a week. I am getting prolotherapy which is the magic potion that will cure me. I got 18 shots yesterday and screamed like a small child. The experience was truly traumatizing, but I know the payoff, so I will keep going. I am constantly giving myself pep-talks to get me through the day. My level of pain determines everything I do in a day and how I do it. If I try to be tough, I inevitably pay the consequences. I conjure up these great ideas in my oh-so idealistic mind for what can or should get done, and it rarely happens because it becomes a physical impossiblity as the day wears on. My baby needs me to be my A game almost as much as Logan does. But guess what happens almost every day. This is the REAL KICKER for me. I get help from other people constantly. Ask anyone who lives around me down here, and they'll report that for some reason, Andrea just really needs an extra hand. I get SO upset and embarrassed that I have to STILL ask for so much help, after  the years of doing it before. Really, can I not just get it done myself? I feel like I have such a never-ending list of debts to pay. It's overwhelming. And you know what? I am sick of doing this. I'm so over feeling like just in case someone doesn't understand, i'd better explain myself each time so that it doesn't seem so weird that i'm asking for help again.
I have learned how do deal with chronic pain. I have learned how not to let it break me. It's been proven that i'll be healed from it. I am learning so much about attitude and perspective. I can see a lot of reasons why I need this trial to shape me. But I can not get past the guilt and the shame. Am I sure that i'm not doing something to bring this on myself? What am I doing wrong? Why am I putting my family through this? AND HOW AM I GOING TO STOP BRINGING OTHER PEOPLE DOWN SO THAT I CAN SURVIVE?

What a trip- to live in two different worlds that somehow have to co-exist. Kind of exciting to figure it out. Kind of exhausting to remind ourselves that our trials are going to weave themselves together into one big whole that becomes the story of how we become the people we hope to someday be. For now, i'm just tired of it all. I just want it to magically go away. And I wish us all luck....!!

Blessing Day Part 2....

More pics of the special weekend. Also, we had to give Orin and Val a Halloween preview!

Austin's Blessing Day

The weather in St. George was really great for the babies this weekend! They enjoyed catching some rays in the hot tub and hanging out in their bouncers while we enjoyed some hands-free time. The boys all went boating while we got food ready for Sunday. Here is some footage of Logan's wakeboarding run!

Today was a special day for the Harker clan! Little Austin was blessed by daddy at our church, followed by a brunch at our house with family and friends. Grandma Tammy and Grandpa Curtis came down for the weekend with Rachel and baby Molly. The other Ferney kids couldn't make it down this time. But Grandma Val and Grandpa Orin were here for the weekend as well. We ate a lot of great food and had lots of laughs over the past few days. Logan got to spend an entire day with Grandpa Curtis while the girls went shopping, and we swam and barbequed out at the ledges once Harkers got to town.

 The very sweetest, most miraculous part of this event has been little Austin's improvement. That little guy has been the most uncomfortable and difficult baby the past two months! He has a killer case of acid reflux, which translates to bouncing, rocking, and holding constantly. I have been absolutely exhausted.The kiddo couldn't nap unless I was holding him, and even then, his sleep was interrupted with stomach and throat trouble every few minutes. I have learned that NONE of the rules apply for reflux babies. They can't do scheduled feedings, or schedules anything for that matter. It's mostly about damage control- you do what you can to keep them calm and comfortable as much as possible. I have had a difficult time trusting my own instincts, because all the other babies around me are so much more easily pacified than my guy. This Monday he went in for an upper-GI so that we could be sure that no other complications existed. The flouroscopy showed the reflux problem very clearly, so we continued with yet another trial of medication and thank the heavens, he has started to become a different little baby! I am feeling so relieved and dazzled by the fact that I have put my baby down on his wedge in his bassinet for a nap 3 times this weekend! AND HE SLEEPS! WAHOO! I pump to feed, which keeps his feedings much more calm and slow. Aussie is smiling all the time, and laughing too. He is as noisy as ever, but I am tickled that the noises of milk splatting on the floor have been largely replaced by coos and awws!

Austin's baby pics.... 6 wks old

Molly's blessing

We made a quick trip up to see the fam and be at Molly's blessing over the weekend. The blessing really sweet. Rach and Ty are doing such a fantastic job at welcoming parenthood. It is so fun to see these two babies together. The little girl bump that Nichole is growing will soon join up in the baby fun! It's pretty amazing to watch your family grow.

Update on the boys

LOGAN:

Big brother has been busy! Logan is well into 5 yrs. old now and loves his independence. He is very helpful with Austin (when he wants to be) and can get him too coo and laugh away. I am amazed at the connection the two have already established. Logan really values his friendships and loves playing with Reese, Brynn, Taylor A, Kai, Talmage, and Jaxon. He misses friends from winchester but is meeting new kids in the ward and new school! Logs is an official kindergartner at George Washington Academy. He is in school from 8:15 until 2:45, 5 days a week! No bus system means a really, really long pick-up line, but mom and dad love that we get to drop him off in the morning. Okay, we love seeing his excitement but dread the early wake-up schedule! Ugh. Logan adores Mrs. Jones almost as much as having cold lunch and 3 recesses. He has reading and math homework every day. The uniform requirement keeps Logan from wearing his eccentric ensembles out of the house, thank heaven! His maturity and love for responsibility have surprised me. Don't worry though, the whining and sassiness occasionally scream out, reminding me that we have got to keep up on the sleep and attitude adjustments :-0 But so far so good on the full day kinder concept. I hope he stays as enthused about learning the following months as he has this first 2 weeks.


Soccer starts this week, but Logan is looking most forward to our month for the boat. He really gets a kick out of wake boarding and knee boarding. He also still has this crazy love for dancing and listening to music! It's a phase that doesn't seem to be phasing out. He spends a lot of time with his ear phones in and discovering new music and new moves. He tells EVERYONE that he is going to be on America's Got Talent and that he'll get through to Hollwood. Dream big bud, there is no harm in it whatsoever.  Speaking of an imagination, Logan has a spy club complete with a master, secret missions, weapons, and most importantly, magical powers. And on rare occasions, he shares the secret missions with us in order to provide an explanation for the ropes down the banister and fireworks in the bathtubs.


Austin:

He eats when he wants, sleeps as long as you agree to hold him for, and spits up on nearly everything and everyone that comes near him! He loves his binkie and his dad's voice. Aussie is a mover and groover, never holding still. When you talk to him his arms and legs go crazy! He's my little bobble-head toy. He takes prevacid in the morning and Zantac at night for reflux, and is doing better on medicine. Aussie needs to be vertical all the time. And he's quite the climber- during a common stomach attack moment, he can climb clear up my chest and out of my hands. I started noticing that his gags and coughs and grunts were more than noise at about 5 weeks. His fussiness has always been around eating rather than a time of day. I'm so glad that we have medicine to help the little ones that have a hard time handling their food! He starts to pull off and cry to tell me to wait a while before trying to feed again, so I feel like he is a pretty easy read, unlike Logan was. He fusses and rips a lot of gas, but doesn't scream incessantly like poor Logan did! He snacks all day eats good at night and in the early morning. Speaking of night, he does well. Bed at 10:30ish, feeding at 4:30ish, and awake at 7:30. He has taught me how unimportant a regimented schedule is for us, and how much better we do to just go with the flow and stay in tune with what's going on with his little tummy. Aussie started to smile on cue at 6 weeks, and at 8 weeks started sharing his sweet ooohs, aahs, oows, and ooahs. SO FUN! I am really trying to soak up this time I have with him during the day. I have high hopes to conquer the sleepiness and get to the gym with him in the mornings! Mommy needs some muscle so that I can pack this guy around all day!