A few giant steps in a desired direction

In the spirit of moving forward, here's the news that started in November. WE ARE PREGNANT! Well i'm pregnant, and Brad might as well be with what I've put him through! Oh hallelujah, a million times over. What an amazingly joyful feeling to be finally move toward increasing the numbers in our fam! I have felt soooo relieved that Logan will have a sibling. He deserves that, and is so absolutely ready to be a big brother. I have wanted this more than anything, and still feel overwhelmed that it came to us. I know that 3 years is nothing compared to the fertility trials that some face. But for me, I was beginning to numb out a bit, and the apathy was not a welcomed feeling. Neither was the void that can't ever seem to fill itself. I am so grateful for motherhood, and more so for the Giver of the  stewardship.  What a stressful, frustrating, faith-trying ordeal fertility can be for so many families. It's exhausting to even think about the journey! I think I need a nap.

And what a sweet victory to report on change and progress! SO, I have to jot down a few words about the other great miracle in my life. So I can barely think about how my sacrum, hips, muscles, nerves..... have felt for the last 4 years. There is no doubt that I have never been pushed to my limits more from this predicament than any other in my life. I have reached my wits end over and over and over. I've burdened so many people with the pain and needed so many favors that I never returned. I was so warn down from feeling pain all the time. It sucked the life out of me some days/weeks/months. It made me feel helpless most of the time, and hopeful other times. But God always sends that hope into your heart that keeps it pumping with some sort of excitement for a development. Because of the hope He always gave me (I usually didn't deserve it), I really tried everything in the book. At about the time that I reached Y and Z in that book, and had driven everyone crazy including myself, I found a new treatment. I didn't wake up one day to a healed body. But if I look at what I can do today compared to 8 months ago, there is no way I could have guessed that I would  progress so much in that short of a period. Or that we would ever be able to gather the resources to afford it. But Brad's job came through in the nick of time so that I could get the treatments. Now I only get better. The pain slowly goes away and my body starts to gain my trust back as I find that I can depend on it to get me through the day. And it does more than that. My legs take me through the store, on walks, around the house day after day! I sleep at night. I drive and travel in the car. The thought of it all just baffles me. It takes me back every so often, that I am totally performing to meet the expectations of the day. I have a long way to go, but the struggle is soooo bearable now! I always know what I should and shouldn't do to manage my days. No guessing, no paying unexpected consequences. My muscles are predictable. And scronny! But I can fix that one. I want to scream out that i'm sorry and that its not a big deal anymore! I'm fine! And I hope that I will never go one day without respecting the gift of health and strength. It's not an expectation. It's a gift from God that we get to enjoy every day. Someday I am going to climb a really big mountain. I'm going to ride down roads really, really fast. I'm going to be strong enough to do whatever I want to do.:)

So what have I learned? What's my point? That God's plan is 1 million times more beautiful and perfect than our own. That if we really want His plan for us to be the one that unfolds in front of our eyes (albeit slowly), we have to be willing to fold up our own cute little maps and put them in our pockets. We have to try to read and decode and follow His map the best we can, and be extra happy when our maps start to look more like His as we go. Sometimes we have to work hard for clues and signs that we are going the right way. Really hard. We have to be reminded that we get lost when we're lazy, dangit. Some trials will come full circle and we'll be able to see reasoning for the timing and circumstances. They will get wrapped up in some sort of cute, tight bow. Other trials will seem to go without explanation or purpose at all. They'll never get wrapped up. They'll continue to look messy, like a toddler was handling them the whole time. And we still need to be equally grateful that God manifested his love by allowing us the struggle. Ahhhh, not easy. I can guarantee that I will continue to forget, re-learn, and then remember these same lessons in other ways for the rest of my life. For now, peace.